Keyboard Bullies

Posted by Melinda Guillemette

Recently a client had a bit of a bumpy leadership ride. He made a decision too quickly and suffered fairly heavy criticism as a result. I have been thinking about something he said: “It’s not that I mind taking the heat; that’s my job. And I’ve lived long enough to know when I made a mistake, how to apologize for it, and how to fix it. I can do all that and move on. But what bothers me, what I can’t get past just yet, is the venomous nature of the attacks coming my way.”

It does seem as though we’re living in a particularly poisonous time, communication-wise. Whether through emails, blog comments, or Facebook posts, we feel free to spew and sputter our most negative perspectives. We lob written fireballs at employers, colleagues, and team members with astonishing ferocity.

I suppose we can blame all kinds of sources as bad role models: talk radio, reality TV, political haters all come to mind. But it really would be cowardly to hold someone else responsible for communication we initiate. Who’s responsible for our communication, if not us? Nobody forces us to post the threatening or demeaning blog comment. No ghostly hand coerces our finger to hit “send” on an earth-scorching email. We do it all by ourselves.

Life is so much better when we avoid creating or responding to negativity. This isn’t about pretending everything is perfectly delightful all the time. And it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t discuss what’s wrong. We absolutely must. But we can improve only when we have those discussions respectfully and in person, not from our keyboards.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Listen Up

Posted by Melinda Guillemette

All of us know how important it is to listen to others. Everyone is aware that listening to others is a crucial part of developing relationships and a driver of success. Yet most of us are dismal at it. We pay half-hearted attention on our best days and none at all on the rest.

The reasons for our half-heartedness are clear: we are doing more with less, we’re distracted by technology, and we have convinced ourselves that we can multi-task. We have devalued the skill of listening. I say we bring it back, and soon. Here’s why whole-hearted, full-on listening matters:

Listening is a demonstration that you value someone. It’s a gift to that person. By stopping what you are doing and listening intently and intentionally to someone, you acknowledge their presence and their value. You reinforce the bonds of your relationship.

Listening is intimate. Looking at someone’s face as they are speaking to you, studying their expressions and body language, and hearing the tone and melody of their voice, all paint a fairly complete picture of a person. You can learn so much in that one moment.

Listening improves your self-discipline. It is so much easier to speak, to opine, to pontificate than it is to hold your thoughts inside your head. Listening requires that you use your ears and mouth proportionally and, again, intentionally. It increases your inner strength. It may even allow your mind to open, because your mouth is closed.

Listening makes you look smart. Mark Twain said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.” So true.

Listening enriches the spirit of the speaker and the listener. The speaker feels your recognition, your attention, and your full presence. When you are aware of the gift you give by listening, you feel better about you. You know you’ve done something good. You have existed fully in a relationship with another human being, often in just a few minutes.

A few minutes of whole-hearted listening seems like a pretty simple route to stronger human relationships.

Thursday, March 07, 2013

The Upside of Self-Centeredness

Posted by Melinda Guillemette

After watching a particularly dark and violent movie a few months ago, I had a revelation: “This doesn’t make me better.” It doesn’t make me a better advisor, a better wife, a better friend. That little revelation changed how I make decisions. It shifted my perspective. The question I ask myself now is “How does ____________ make me better?”

This question focuses your thoughts on you. It makes you look at yourself and answer a difficult question. For example, “How does it make me better to...:

... avoid having a difficult conversation with my team member?

... continue to accept unclear direction from my supervisor?

... participate on a work team that has no clear understanding of its purpose?

… choose not to recognize the achievements — or suffering of a colleague?

... accept clients who do not add value to my work?

… gossip about my co-worker?

... show up late to meetings because I allow myself to be over-scheduled?

... wait for someone else to take the initiative?

Clients often ask me how they can change their culture when the leadership either supports bad habits or doesn’t support good ones. Doing this exercise in self-centeredness is a start. Cultures are changed one person and one behavior at a time. When you choose to make yourself better, you make your culture better.